All Change

4aefa1d3-42b4-43fe-a78b-f0785697ff0cSo it’s been a while since I’ve been able to face up to writing in this journal. My partner of 13 years left me on my 30th birthday and I have been absolutely devastated by the blow.  This is not the place for discussing the details, but there has been a serious impact on my PhD.

I’ve come home to mum and dad’s in Cornwall until the new year to try and mend my broken heart and figure out what to do next. I am so relieved that I got my methodology chapter done before this happened as I’ve been struggling to get much work done since. Everytime I sit at my PC to do some work, I end up wondering on to Facebook to see if she’s posted or messaged me, or simply gazing out of the window for what seems like hours on end.

I am fighting with every ounce of my being not to let black dog in. I am currently sad but not depressed. I know deep down though that if black dog comes again I don’t have the strength to resist. I can feel the temping pull of numbness an arm’s length a way at all times. I often wonder down to the harbour with the dog and peer over at the cold embrace of the waves below. ‘Not to today’ I murmur silently but feel a fleeting sense of peace and relief at knowing that door is there. For now I keep the key firmly in my pocket but find comfort in turning it over and over in my hand and escape route if the bleakness descends.

I have no home, no job, my friends are hundreds of miles away and don’t know what to say. In many ways, this PhD is all that I have left. My depression, anxiety and laziness has robbed me of the woman I love and I am determined not to let it take this away from me too. Its hard though, I bailed on my confirmation last month as I was in too much of a state to even think straight. My Supervisor and TAP panel have been incredibly kind and patient but I know that my situation looks bad and that I have let A down by not finishing the teaching that she placed so much trust in me by giving me in the first place.

Most of the time it feel as though the past month has dragged like no other, empty days alone by the sea, cold solitary nights in a single bed and only the dog for company, but then I look up from my despair and realise that a month has gone by and I’ve hardly done any work. I have to utilise the next few months for PhD work and try and see them as an opportunity to have nothing else to focus on but my work. In many respects this is a luxury but one which I would give up in a heartbeat.

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