Not sure how to even stat this post. A serious personal setback has meant that I have had to leave Sowerby Bridge and come home to Cornwall until the new year. I have had to abandon my STC teaching and think about how I am going to proceed from here.
Aside from the personal devastation, I am also heartbroken to be unable to complete my teaching this semester. There are only 3 teaching positions available at the Centre for Women’s studies each year, so they are considered incredibly prestigious. To have been awarded one was a dream come true and showed that I have demonstrated my passion and creativity for teaching. It also meant that A placed considerable trust and faith in my ability to teach this module, especially given the setbacks I have overcome already due to my ever fragile mental health. I feel as though I have let her down and proved what everyone already thinks about me being a fuck-up is true.
A has been incredibly kind and understanding but I’m scared that I’ve burned all my chances and will never get such a brilliant opportunity again. On top of this, my teaching in politics next semester has been cancelled (no fault of my own, but disappointing nonetheless.) Luckily I still have History teaching next semester and am working on keeping myself together so that I can return to York and find somewhere to live in January and continue my teaching and YLTA as planned.
I am currently alternating between realising that I am stronger than I thought and utterly despairing at the thought of rebuilding my life from scratch at the age of 30. I am focusing now on seeing this as an opportunity to live the life I want and to devote myself entirely to my teaching and research. I want to spend as much time as possible over the next few weeks working on my YLTA portfolio, pedagogical theory and PhD research so that I can be in as good a position as possible come the new year. The reality is that I am going to have to find another part time job to support myself financially so this means that I will need to adopt a more disciplined approach to my studies. I am determined to do this. I have worked so hard for these opportunities and don’t want to lose them with everything else I have already lost recently. I am fighting hard to keep my mental demons at bay and so far am winning the battle. I am resolved to keep my focus on what is important to me and what I am passionate about and not to dwell on the sadness and sense of loss.