Journal

img_0239So it’s been a while since my last journal entry. The truth is that my mental health has taken a dip and I’m really struggling again.

Back in May I was in a really good place, I attended the autoethnography conference at Lancaster which was excellent and I was really feeling positive about uni work. The feminist activist and imagination conference at York was superb. It really helped to recharge my batteries seeing all of the amazing speakers and listening to the lovely Union Jill on the Friday night.

I gave my own paper ‘Rebel Girl’ and got a standing ovation and so much lovely feedback from the people there. I even met a Mormon Feminist – which was a new concept for me – obviously there are problematic things there but it was fascinating to talk to her about her feminism and her faith.

I’d started applying for teaching positions and been accepted onto the York Learning and Teaching Award which is great, but subject to securing at least 10 hours teaching so currently working on that.

We ended up moving from Leeds to Sowerby Bridge which was stressful and expensive but we are now settled in a great flat near the rive and have have Lola – our 12 week old puppy!

Life was looking pretty good, but then I started to feel overwhelmed by all of the changes and could feel myself becoming depressed again. Not sleeping at night and being exhausted during the day. I was terrified that I was getting ill again and that fed into making me feel worse.

Have ended up having to take more time off work which isn’t good and now my partner has been put at risk of redundancy which has floored both of us. We finally felt as though things were going our way; she was in a great job and work were providing BUPA insurance to help with her transition, we’ve got a fab home, lovely dog, I was finishing work to focus on my PhD and teaching when BOOM!

I’ve been working really hard to try and get myself together for my fiancè’s sake and for the sake of my future but its been hard. I’ve been feeling a but better the last couple of days. On new meds (Mirtazapine) which are helping with the sleeping and keeping the anxiety under control. I just can’t tell if I’m actually feeling better or am pretending to myself for fear of everything falling apart.

Have been managing to do some more uni work but it feels like a bit of a struggle with the brain fog at the mo.

Making a positive & negative list to try and feel like I have some control and get some perspective

Positives

Negatives

Secured NS & RO Teaching

Fiancé is very Low

History Teaching secured

BUPA healthcare at risk

Voluntary Redundancy Approved

Risk of Redundancy

CWS teaching Interview

Currently off work

Politics teaching app

Money situation

Conference at Exeter

Food/Weight Issues

Flat

Uncertainty!!

Lola

Social Life Good

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